Monday, March 5, 2012

shredding and whats going on besides the happy insta pics.

i don't really even know how to get out what's going on
in my mind and heart and body right now.
well, what's going on with my body is easy to explain:
jillian michaels.  30 day shred. 

i'm on day 23 and i absolutely love it and how it rocks my abs.
i was completely convinced that after 4 kids i had lost them. 
but now they're found. (does anyone else feel like singing amazing grace at this point?!)
and it's a sweet reunion, let me tell you.  albeit a sore one.
my arms.  ouch.  my legs.  ouch.  my shoulders. ouch.
what's going on in my mind is a lot of leviticus. 
(say wah?!)  ever read through that book? 
i know the last time i read through it was in my old testament survey days in college.
and i remember just completely hating it and longing for joshua or the psalms to begin.
and wondering why in the world i was reading all this icky stuff anyways.  ewwww.
but this time i was reading it because i really wanted to......
this whole 'reading through the bible chronologically' 
is rocking my world.
i see it now.  i see how leviticus is important to fully grasp the holiness of God.
sometimes just reading through all the the israelites had to do to atone for their sin is
gross and intriguing and L.O.N.G......
but all they had to do in their sacrificial offerings was necessary
if they wanted to commune with God.
because He is so holy. holy. holy.

and if they knew what was good for them,
they did every. single. step. of sacrifice, {exactly as God instructed}
and being a 'non-instruction' reader myself,
i was completley overwhelmed and kept thinking
if it were me....
i'd probably forget step 2 or do step 7 wrong
or completely forget about step 89.
i would be so lost in atoning for my sin through sacrifical offerings.

i've been known to take my salvation through Jesus Christ for granted.
i've been known to recite prayers in sort of a 'routine' way,
taking for granted my access to Him, that He's always there for me,
waiting and wanting me to talk with Him.

linking up leviticus to hebrews and seeing what has become of
those old school rituals to gain fellowship with God......
they have become unnecessary.  totally and completely unnecessary.

because of Jesus,
i don't need to find a young bull without defect
and have its blood be smeared all over the place
in order to be forgiven
i don't need to go through a priest
i can go to God through Jesus, my precious savior who has paid the price
once and for all
and i can pray to Him at all hours, all the time, anytime,
casting all my cares upon Him
because He cares for me (I Peter 5:7)
not because i'm special in my own right
but because i'm special to Him because of His love for me.
and you're special to Him, too
did you know that?  do you grasp that?!

what's going on in my heart has to do with my church.
its going through some real stuff right now
which is really junky.
and to be honest, my soul is worn out from churches going through stuff
but the truth is all churches have issues, because they're made up of sinners
{like me.  i'm one of those.  and i'm in the church}

and when justin and i went through a lot of church junk 2 years ago
i had people ask me
what made me not turn my back on the church?
after all, plenty of people do when they see what sinners can create church to be

i was tempted. 
i was cynical for some time
wait, i'm still working my way back from the cynicism i've put in my heart
when it comes to church.  but anyways....

church is God's people, His body.
and i love God. 
i love Him, i love Him,  I.  LOVE.  HIM.
and so i cry out to God that He'll show Himself in amazing ways through His body.
and then i watch the body of Christ fail.
and i cry out to God again that He'll unify His people to accomplish His will.
and then i watch the body of Christ fail again. 
and again.  and again.  and again.

and because i myself am just a sinner in process
i turn to cynicism and then i repent and turn to cynicism
and repent.  and repeat.
i truly need a good heart revival. 

i refuse to give up on the church because i refuse to give up on God.
He's so faithful. so forgiving.  slow to anger, abounding in love.....

i know it's only a matter of time before God leads justin and i back into full.time ministry.
i know it and sometimes i shudder. 
{and sometimes i get impatient and wonder why it wasn't yesterday already} go figure that one out for me, k?
this is real, people.  this is my life i'm sharing here.
but it's my story and it's for His glory and i want you to know,
to be at the end of this blogpost and make NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT

God is to be glorified.
He uses things in our life to draw us near to Him.
the good stuff and especially the junk.
to HIM be the glory.

life is not about you and it's certainly not about me.

so read leviticus and be overwhelmed. 
then read hebrews and see how that's all taken care of now. 

or read john and see the amazing love Jesus has for us.
and then decide, along with me,
that He's worth all the glory you can pour on Him by living for Him
no matter the cost.

whew.  that's all i've got.
that's a lot of blogposts floating around in my head, rolled into one.....

{have a beautiful march day!}
living for the One who is the Lion and the Lamb

linking up HERE


  1. WOW! I can't even put into words what this post has done for me.

    I too have had a lot of cynical thoughts on the church as I have been burned so many times but I choose to serve my Lord and Savior. He is my All in All and I want to serve Him fully.

    I want to give him all the glory.

    Thank you so much for this post. It truly touched my heart!

  2. I love how you just poured this out. Beautiful.

  3. Laurie! Thank you for this! It is all about Jesus! We are going through junk in our church too. It is so disheartening to see Christ's bride suffer because of our nastiness. Thank you Jesus for speaking through you today! God bless you and your family.

  4. girl, this is so real and I so appreciate that. We have been through lots of "church" junk in previous years as well. (to make a long story comment-length): about 4 years ago the Lord asked us to stop going to church (the institution) and to start just living life with people He put in our was one of the hardest seasons we have been through because it was so different than how we were raised, and we received lots of judgement for it, especally from fellow believers...but He did it to show us what "church" really is. US. HIS BRIDE. HIS BODY. NOT a building or a program or a hierarchy. ahhh! anywho, I am seriously going to post about it all someday but its just a lot to write out and process. all that to say...I am confident that HE will meet you guys where you are. That He will provide community and fellowship if needed, and that HE will show you your true identity in HIM, apart from church junk. It's one of the best things I have ever learned.

  5. I just got done reading this for the third time. And I really, really love it.

  6. First of all- Shredding it? Just got done doing that. And while I have too much weight to lose to see the results on my abs right away, I can definitely notice a difference. I am taking a break from JIllian though, and have moved on to a Biggest Loser work-out. Ha.

    2nd of all- I love that you poured out your whole heart about your faith. And that you feel so strongly that God has all of the power. Such a true and strong testimony. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  7. Such a great post filled with honesty. Leviticus made the book of Hebrews come to life for me....GOOD stuff! And yes...the church is made up of people...we are all messed up people in need of His grace..DAILY.. so we just gotta keep lovin each other and forgiving each other like Jesus has called us to do. Being a pastor's wife for 13 years now, I've seen the good, bad and the ugly. It's tough..real tough at times. I love your heart girl!...and you've inspired me with that 30 day shred!! So tickled for you and your abs getting back together!